| XMAS news roundup |
[21 Dec 2006|03:52pm] |
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 Dawn French to make opera debut -
"I'm proud to be breaking new ground for overweight women, who have traditionally struggled to find roles in opera", said Dawn French. A spokesman for the production added, "The show will not be over until Dawn French has finished singing - or whoever happens to be singing last. It's too early to be specific about such things".
X Factor number one 'guaranteed' - a spokesman for X Factor said that Leona Lewis, who has won the competition, would receive a full refund if her single did not get to number one. It is not know whether Lewis took out the optional coverage against accidental chart slippage, as that would have cost her an extra forty quid and is basically a bit of a rip-off when you compare it with typical insurance premiums.
Title of Harry Potter 7 revealed - J. K. Rowling has finally decided on a title for the last Harry Potter book. Reflecting the young-adult themes of the narrative, the title "Harry Potter and the Feeling of Aimlessness You Sometimes Get on Sundays" has disappointed some fans. A spokesman for the fans said, "This is just the kind of title we didn't want her to come up with."
 Michael stages concert for nurses - "Nurses are great", said George Michael. "It's about time they had a concert of me to watch." A spokesman for nurses added, "This is just the kind of thing nurses like."
Blaze destroys Lost star's home - Lost star Evangeline Lilly's house has burnt down. Although this was briefly exciting, she then suffered a lengthy flashback to when she was married to a upright sort of chap but he didn't know about her secret past, which was pretty boring actually. Then it turned out that ANOTHER plane had crashed somewhere else, which wasn't bad. Hopefully next time we'll find out a bit more of substance.
Cowell unveils Grease talent show - Simon Cowell's done it again. This time he's invented a TV show where different types of grease are tested to see which is the most talented. A spokesman for grease said "The public are largely unaware of the contribution grease makes to society." Mr Cowell said, "I originally meant it to be about Grease, the musical,
and there was a misunderstanding somewhere. But this will be good too."
He added that he had no intention of giving the grease an easy time if he didn't think it was good enough. "If you don't tell the truth to grease, you aren't doing anyone any favours", he pointed out.
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| NOTBBC gone |
[23 Aug 2005|07:15pm] |
The NOTBBC forums are currently giving out a message:
Bandwidth Limit Exceeded
Best regards,
Your Servage.net team
This is intriguing. Was there a sudden surge in interest due to some publicity in a magazine about the NOTBBCs, the latest currrrrrazy place to have an argument about something obscure with a stranger?
Or has Rob S. forgotten to pay the bill this month? Do you have to "top up your card" for a website? I don't know.
Or has there simply been a clerical error. Why people still allow vicars to run anything important given their obvious tendency to make mistakes is beyond me.
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[01 Apr 2005|04:34pm] |
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mood |
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the pope must die |
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The "meme" (or "rubbish thing") below typifies the general political ignorance about the 250 year old concept of liberty. There is no option on the list to represent it, really, and - this is the typical bit - I get identified as an anarchist! And how the fuck communism and socialism got any points is beyond me.
For some reason, almost all thick people believe that laissez-faire is the same thing as anarchism.
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[26 Mar 2005|11:11pm] |
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Surely 'Doctor When' would've been a better title.
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[15 Mar 2005|06:07pm] |
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mood |
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"notbbc isn't working" mood |
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I feel so sad! yesterday at school I got in a huge fight with ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) sameoldsameold.
Oh yeah. Why does nikh keep posting images in their journal?! I keep telling them I'm on a modem! I'm going to unfriend them to teach them a lesson!!!!!!!!!!
This entry automatically generated by the LJ Drama Generator!
Also: Church fights Da Vinci Code novel.
The archbishop told Il Giornale: "The book is everywhere. There is a very real risk that many people who read it will believe that the fables it contains are true."
Then he stopped talking about the Bible...! Aha! Eat satire, Fritz.
Update (five minutes later): I am, perhaps unsurprisingly, the fourteenth person to make the above satirical observation in this sector of the Internet (76ΨΣg-ω4).
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| The People's Democratic Republic of the BBC |
[03 Mar 2005|01:17pm] |
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Press front page reaction to the BBC green paper:
The Times: TV viewers to face prison for failing to use a computer to download Eastenders by 2012
Daily Star: Government to ban fun
Independent: These are photographs of thirty badgers who are threatened by a planned Tesco store in Essex - and nobody is doing anything to help them (thirty small pictures of badgers).
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| Dracula 2005 |
[12 Feb 2005|10:17am] |
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Required viewing, I think. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4258095.stm
Incredibly, it includes a game of ping pong with his wife!
"I've been thinking about this for a long time. Something for the benefit of the country as a whole. What should it be, I thought: become a blood donor or join the Young Conservatives? Anyway, as I'm not looking for a wife and I can't play table tennis, here I am." - The Blood Donor, Galton and Simpson.
Oh dear. There was a bit where he chatted with some trendy young advisors about the possibility of him addressing some large company. They recommended it by saying "Blair did it!" Howard responded that "That's the equivalent of me addressing the TUC!" The advisors looked shifty. Howard was thinking, "How dim of them not to have spotted that", but I bet the advisors were thinking, "Jesus, how out of touch is this twat?" Blair is hardly leader of the SWP, Mikey-boy. How is Michael going to challenge Blair unless he understands that?
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| Superbowels |
[06 Feb 2005|11:11pm] |
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I just watched 'America the Beautiful' performed by Alicia Keys, accompanied by a choir from the school that Ray Charles attended.
This seemed to sum up everything I love about America. It also managed to unify the previously disparate strands of my psyche. It may have even forged a new, better Object.
Partly, like a bastard, I was chuckling uncontrollably at the way the children (who were deb and duff and could not speeg) were signing the lyrics en masse, as Alicia did her standard soul warbling to jazzy chords. It was brute force inclusiveness, those once excluded children being shoe-horned into a loud mess against all commonsense, like Loretta wanting to have babies in Life of Brian, all on principle and despite the necessary assault on reality.
But it was beautiful, like America. It made no sense, specifically speaking, but it made perfect sense generally, because the point was not the outcome but the principle, and the madder and funnier it got, and the more I laughed, the more genuinely moved I became.
Everyone could join in because it was mad. Alicia looked and sounded daft, the kids looked daft, the audience looked daft for politely waiting for it to finish. It was inclusively insane. Ray Charles went to that school, and America in her craziness took him to her bosom (with Stevie Wonder on the other breast, presumably), because in America, if you've got talent, you can go all the way.
By the end of it, I wasn't sure if I was (slightly) weeping with laughter or with genuine emotion at wonderful, silly old America. Or perhaps with a tinge of regret that I will forever be a cynical outsider at such displays of earnest, strange, tasteless and admirable loveliness.
America - fuck yeah!
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| THE OBJECT SAYS |
[05 Feb 2005|04:59pm] |
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Mad letter to the Economist:
SIR - A well-run company engaging in the selfish pursuit of profit would lobby for subsidies and tariffs to reduce costs and increase revenue, heedless of the market distortions they may cause. How do you square this with your usual argument that free trade is necessary to lift developing countries out of poverty?
JEAN-PHILIPPE MARCOTTE
San Francisco
Boy, that's a difficult one, Jean-Philippe!
I guess that in order to obtain subsidies and tariffs to distort the market with, the company in question would have to enlist the help of a corrupt or stupid government that ignores the advice of the Economist.
Oh wait, it wasn't difficult at all.
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[30 Jan 2005|11:33am] |
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| EXPLAIN PRIVATE EYE TO ME |
[20 Jan 2005|09:27pm] |
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mood |
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sanction busting |
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1. Cutting from The Times:
Some of our greatest historical figures have been adulterers. Regrettably, the days have vanished when an ability to do the job in hand came first.
Is the funny bit the "came first"? Or "do the job in hand"? (That sounds like defecating on someone's hand though.) Or just the whole "regrettably..." somehow implying something daft? Or is it just badly worded? I've no idea.
2. The Commuters:
"I'm glad the government is trying to get us all to walk more... if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't get any exercise at all."
The last frame shows a long line of commuters. There is a sign that says "Unmaintained track - Please walk", and they are all walking on the wonky train track. What does that mean? Is that what commuters have to do when the trains aren't working? Isn't there usually a replacement bus? Either I've missed something, or they had to artifically shoehorn the concept of walking into the premise just so they could then weakly comment on it. It makes no sense.
3. Single frame cartoon:
Naked man taking a photo - but apparently only of his face, so why's he naked? But anyway, then it has his wife saying, "Maybe doing a nude calendar isn't the best way of helping the tsunami victims..." I'm thinking... maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe the poor guy wants to help but he's got nothing better to offer than a picture of his face, taken while the rest of his body is naked. What the fucking fuck is the fucking point you are making?
4. Scenes You Seldom See:
It's a sign saying that the Princess Diana memorial fountain is open, and some people looking at the sign. I've got an idea for one of these: it's a cartoon of someone throwing a coin and getting ten heads in a row. Hilarious.
5. Photo of Prince Harry with speech bubble
"Next time I'm going to dress up as Mark Thatcher"
How? What? Where? Why? When? That's not a joke, it's two news stories mixed together for no reason.
6. Snipcock & Tweed (Is Snipcock anti-semitic? etc. etc.)
- First frame -
Fat Publisher: "It's the intimate adventures of a London call girl!" [He is holding a copy of Belle De Jour's book of her online diary]
- Second frame -
Fat Publisher: I wouldn't pay for it.
Thin Publisher: Dan Brown's the new in-the-black.
I know about Belle De Jour. I know about The Da Vinci Code. What's the connection? And what does it mean to call someone "the new in-the-black"?
For extra credit, if there is an answer, make me give a shit.
7. Jeanette Winterson is sitting at her computer, and has typed:
"So who's your lovely new girlfriend" said mummy as she brought us breakfast in bed.
At last, a cartoon I get! Her first book was about being a lesbian with a harsh conservative religious mother, and so didn't tolerate her daughter's lesbianism. And this cartoon says the opposite of that!! It's not the same as Scenes You Seldom See though, because it's called First Drafts and it's in the books section. So it's totally different.
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| THE OBJECT SAYS |
[18 Jan 2005|09:51pm] |
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http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005022418,00.html
The Magistrates' Association said yesterday: "You take a judicial oath to treat everyone fairly and equally. If you go public and say something like that then it can make things difficult and jeopardise the perception that justice is being done."
It's important for a legal system to not be prejudiced against people who break the law, isn't it?
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